A4U: A Promise
Where Have I Been, Where Am I Going
I hate how I’ve abandoned this page. Both my neocities page and my substack have sat untouched for months. I could just point to writer’s block, but that’s far from my reason behind vanishing. I’m posting this to explain a bit of what I’ve been up to, where I’ve been with my writing, and where I plan to go with the future of Glass Halo.
For those who don’t know me closely, I recently graduated, moved 700 miles from home (even farther than I had for college), and started a new job. Because of this, a majority of my mental bandwidth has been dedicated to work, adjusting to the city, and spending time in my newfound community. My commutes by bus & train haven’t given me time to write like I had originally been planning, although I’ve found that it’s the perfect environment for my headphones and reading– from absurdist fiction to collections of essays, I forgot how nice it is to read significant pieces for fun. (and I don’t know if I would’ve really dug back into it like I have if not for one of my new friends, for that I’m unbelievably grateful.)
I still make time to write. A lot actually. I’m still journaling, creating poetry, and even writing full essays– none of which have been seeing the light of day. At the moment of writing this I’ve got more pieces than I could count, most of which are in the late stages of editing. I can talk, I can write, I can edit, but I’m paralyzed at the mere thought of presenting any of this to eager eyes. My obsession with self reflection and analysis led me to journal about this anxiety.
Originally most of my writing stemmed from my transition; swimming, my name change, the learning curve with makeup, relationships, everything stemming from my identity. In this moment I get to experience a weird sense of privilege with my transition. One of my doctors recently was talking about this with me and asked me what my “end goal” was and I stared blankly, this was my end goal in my eyes. Sure, I would like to vocal train more, and explore my options with surgery, but besides that my “goals” feel met. I just passed my 18 month mark on HRT and everything has become pleasantly mundane. Transness sits on one of the many shelves of my identity, but it’s not one that needs polishing. With all of this being said, I began to shift my writing toward my life, my feelings, and intimacy.
It started with my senior thesis, which revolved around the social conflicts of BDSM in the 21st century. I picked it on a whim and it was easily one of the most interesting (and fun) pieces I’ve ever written. This spiraled into personal readings and writings, learning about my elders, my community, and my future– all of which reminds me of how intertwined BDSM and queerness is. So I started to draft several pieces that had little to no direct connection with my transness. I wrote about my dissociative issues with intimacy, and my realization of being a stone top. I wrote about how digital intimacy and trading convenience for natural chemistry, and how I still did enjoy dating apps regardless of this. These are all things I’ve talked about with friends and peers on countless occasions. Dozens of times I’ve sat in a coffee shop with a friend or a date and talked all about these feelings, but I became petrified at the thought of writing it for the world to see.
But I don’t want this piece to be an excuse for all of the reasons why I’m sitting on my hands and hiding my thoughts. I want this to be a promise, to bring back the blog I’ve had so much fun with, in whatever capacity and topic I feel fits best. So this means (somewhat) regular A4U posts on Fridays. A4U won’t always necessarily be long as it was never meant to be. Angel 4 U! It exists as a little life newsletter for me, but I want to also add some new things you’ll almost always see at the end of an A4U post.
Music: Anything from songs on repeat to album drops I’m excited about!
Book Updates: If I’ve picked up anything new, finished anything, or something that stuck with me from my reading (get ready for the next A4U, because I just finished two PHENOMENAL books that you’ll need to read for yourselves.)
& More :]
Other writing pieces will release semi-regularly as I finally revise and publish them. Many posts will come with a warning if any topics may delve into details of personal intimacy, so you’ve been warned!
With this I hope not just to write consistently again, but to have the confidence to share with you whatever the future of this blog brings.
From your homesick digital angel,
Nora